Confidence isn’t something you’re simply born with. Much of it is learnable — and some of the quickest gains come from small changes to how you stand, speak and talk to yourself. These won’t replace real practice (more on that in Confidence Comes From Competence), but they’ll help you come across the way you’d like to while you build it.
1. Talk to yourself more kindly
Your inner voice shapes how you feel walking into a room. Notice the harsh lines — “I’ll mess this up”, “I’m so awkward” — and swap them for something that’s both kinder and true: “I’ve done harder things than this” or “I don’t need to be brilliant, just friendly.” It’s not about hype; it’s about not being your own heckler.
2. Use comfortable eye contact
Aim to look at the other person for much of the time they’re speaking, with natural breaks while you think. It signals interest and ease. Staring isn’t the goal — if it feels intense, use the triangle trick from our eye contact guide.
3. Open up your posture
Stand or sit tall, let your shoulders drop back and keep your chest open. Avoid hunching or folding yourself small. Good posture doesn’t just change how others see you — many people find it changes how they feel, too.
4. Keep your hands calm and visible
Fidgeting and hands jammed in pockets can read as nervous. Try resting your hands loosely, holding a drink, or using simple, purposeful gestures when you’re making a point. Calm hands help a calm mind.
5. Slow your voice down
Nerves speed you up. Before speaking, take a breath, then talk a little slower than feels natural. Pause between ideas, vary your tone a little, and speak clearly. Slow, steady speech is one of the most reliable signals of confidence there is.
6. Drop the self-shrinking words
Certain phrases quietly undersell you. Try trimming them:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “I’m not an expert, but…” | Just share your thought |
| “Sorry, this is probably stupid…” | “Here’s an idea…” |
| “I’ll try” | “I will” |
| “I just wanted to…” | “I wanted to…” |
| “I think maybe…” | “I’d suggest…” |
You don’t need to sound forceful — just stop apologising for having a view.
7. Anchor yourself to a past success
Before a nerve-racking moment, spend thirty seconds remembering a time you felt capable and at ease: where you were, what you could see, how it felt. Reliving it in detail gives you a little of that feeling to take into the room.
8. Rehearse the good version in your head
Picture the situation going reasonably well: walking in, saying hello, someone smiling back, you asking a question. Mental rehearsal makes the real thing feel more familiar — and familiar feels less scary.
9. Walk with purpose
Head up, relaxed shoulders, slightly longer, unhurried strides. Moving deliberately rather than rushing tells everyone — including you — that you’re comfortable being there.
Bonus: go easy on the scrolling
Comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlights reel is a fast way to feel inadequate. If social media leaves you feeling worse, cut back before events, and keep a note on your phone of things you’re genuinely proud of.
Make it a habit
Confidence grows with consistency, not one-off efforts:
- Don’t break the chain: tick off each day you do one small social action. Watching the streak grow is motivating.
- Chunk it down: break big goals (“be confident at work”) into small steps (“say good morning to two people”).
- Reward yourself: link each small step with something you enjoy.
Try this today: Pick two of the nine — posture and slow speech are a great pair — and use them in your next conversation.